Moe's Problems
by TitanWolf
Summary: follow Moe as his week goes from bad to worse with each day. Homer and Barney are there to help and make it worse.
1. Monday Bugs

Moe's Problems

Disclaimer i own nothing

Chapter 1

Monday

Homer walked into an empty Moe's only the owner himself was in the room. He thought about it but then quickly forgot. He walked over to the bar and sat on his favorite stool.

"Moe beer now" he said.

"Sorry Homer, bars closed" Moe said, "The health inspector shut me down after he discovered my bug problem".

"Bug problem?" Homer asked, "What happened to the rat problem?"

"Bug ate all the rats" Moe replied, wiping the counter off.

"How can - " He began, but the bathroom door burst open and Barney Gumble burst through and slammed it shut as a large insectoid leg came through.

"Moe it ate the broom!" Barney shouted, pushing on the door with all his might, "Bug spray only makes it mad!" the bug slammed against the door, launching Barney through the air, out the door. The large cockroach scurried out the bathroom door, Moe and Homer ran out the door..

"The dirty bastard !" Moe shouted, looking through the window, "Now there's more of em, he's giving out free booze!" Homer watched as Moe glared at the bug through the stained window. He thought about something to say but due to the years of drinking, over eating and hours of mind numbing TV he couldn't really process the words. Luckily for him Barney chimed in.

"Why not call an exterminator?" he asked, Moe turned around and slapped the back of the drunk's head.

"Bug spray only makes it mad!" Moe shouted.

"Yeah but they got this new super bug killer" Barney said, "It kills bugs and hobo's, Mr. Burns said so".

"Really, that's great… except the homeless thing" Homer said, "What else have ya got to lose Moe?"

"Nothin really" he replied, "Lets do it".

Five minutes later the exterminator arrived, he pulled a tank out of the back of his truck and strapped it on his back.

"In there?" he asked, the three men nodded. He walked through the door, seconds later they heard the sounds of fighting, the door opened and the bugs tossed the exterminator, minus the tank out the door.

"Where's the tank?" Moe asked, his question was answered by Barney.

"There passin it around like a big bong" he said, looking through the window again. Moe gritted his teeth and kicked the exterminator in the gut as he tried to stand up.

"Any other bright ideas?" Moe asked, glaring at the other two.

"Uh maybe Apu has something we can use" homer suggested, Moe sighed in defeat.

"Okay let go see" he said, and began walking down the sidewalk with Homer and Barney. They arrived at the Kwik-E-Mart. They enter and the Indian clerks greets them.

"Greetings gentlemen, how may I help you?" he asks.

"Well my bar's full of giant roaches" Moe said, "We called an exterminator, but the bugs took his tank and usin it as a bong. Do ya have any bug killer that good?"

"Yes" Apu replied, "Follow me" he led them into the backroom, back against the wall was a rocket launcher, beside a pile of rockets.

"These rockets are packed with twelve different bug killers mixed together" Apu said, "Enough to kill a bull elephant" Moe gave him a skeptical look.

"How much?".

"I only ask that you give me the carcasses" Apu replied, "I need the meat for Kwik-E-dogs". the three men loaded up the rockets and launcher in Homer's car before driving back to Moe's. along the way Homer spoke.

"We should test one of the rockets" he said, pulling the car over beside a herd of cattle in a field. They loaded the launcher before firing, the cows were engulfed in a cloud of green gas. When it cleared there was only skeletons standing where living bovine were seconds before.

"Uh oh" they said together and leaped into the car and sped off. Arriving at the bar they loaded the launcher again and kicked in the door.

"Reach for the - hey their gone" Homer said, looking around the room.

"Yeah and they took everything!" Moe shouted, they heard a noise outside. They went to see the bugs loading the stolen things in the back of a truck.

"There they are!" Moe shouted and grabbed the launcher, "Gimme that!" he fired the rocket, and hit the building behind it. It collapsed, the bugs looked shocked and climbed into the truck, driving away.

"Their getting away!" Homer shouted, "To my car!" they climbed in and gave chase. They followed the bugs onto the freeway, Barney sat on the windowsill, firing rocket after rocket at the moving truck, which kept swerving.

"Faster Homer faster!" Moe shouted, "Their gettin' away go faster!".

"It's called the speed limit Moe - " he was cut off as Moe switched seats and slammed on the gas pedal. Barney was shook from his seat, he placed the launcher on the roof and began to steady himself. But the sudden gain of speed knocked him from the car, he rolled down the highway.

"Barney!" Homer shouted, leaning out the window, "Moe we lost -".

"Yeah I know Homer!" he replied, "Take over the launcher!" Homer sat on the windowsill and grabbed the launcher and fired, the rocket struck the rear tires and axel. The truck fell back on the ground, dragging behind it. The bug driving lost control and leaped from the cab of the truck. As it flew through the air another truck drove up and splattered it on the windshield. The truck slid to a stop, the remaining bugs crawled out and scurried off. Moe pulled the car over and ran over to the truck and lifted up the door.

"Everything's here!" he shouted happily, "lets get this stuff back to the bar".

Two hours later found all the stuff back at the bar, and Barney stumbled in, covered in skid marks. He walked into the bathroom. Moe poured Homer a glass of beer.

"Here Homer on the house" Moe said, "You deserve it".

"Wow Moe thanks" Homer relied, drinking slowly to savor the taste, "Free beer" he began drooling when Barney burst through the bathroom door and shut it as a giant rodent claw came though.

"Moe the rat's are back!" Barney shouted, "The traps don't work!".

END CHAPTER 1

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	2. Tuesday Zombie

Chapter 2

Disclaimer i own nothing

Tuesday

Moe was cleaning up the bar when Homer walked in, he sat on his stool and watched as Moe cleaned. He hadn't noticed the fat man yet and bent over to clean under the bar, that was when Homer decided to speak.

"Hey Moe!" he shouted, Moe moved to stand up and bashed his head on the bar, knocking himself out, Homer leaned over the bar to look, "Oh no I killed Moe, what do I do?", suddenly there was a poof and a tiny devil version of himself stood on his left shoulder.

"Hide the body" he said, "No one will ever know", a second poof happened and an angel Homer appeared on his right shoulder.

"Ooooh I'm gonna tell" he said.

"The hell you will!" the devil Homer shouted and tossed his pitchfork, killing the angel, who collapsed and disappeared, "Now where in this together", five minutes later Homer was stuffing Moe in the trunk of his car, he was looking over his shoulder when Moe sat up.

"Homer… what hap -" he was cut off as Homer slammed the trunk shut. He climbed inside the car and began driving, he kept looking around nervously, hoping that nobody had saw him.

"What'll I do… what'll I do?" he kept repeating, he shifted through the various tapes in the car before finding one that sounded right, "Pet Sematary… that's it I'll bury Moe in the Pet Sematary!"

Homer pulled up to the Springfield cemetery and opened the trunk, he picked up the unconscious bartender and carried him to the adjacent cemetery to the regular one. He walked past the various graves, stubbing his toe and kicking some down.

"Now where to bury Moe?" he kept walking until he came to a clearing with several circles of rocks, "Good enough" he began digging and after several hours he'd dug a hole deep enough. He tossed Moe in and stared at the dirt and a nearby pile of rocks, "What did that tape say… dirt then rocks or rocks then dirt?" as he was thinking this over Moe awaken again.

"Ooh I'm gonna kill Homer when I -" he was cut off by a large rock hitting him in the head, Homer had decided to throw in a rock, then a shovel full of dirt.

"Do do hiding the body" he sang to himself, "Well that's that, goodbye Moe I'll be sure to drink all the beer at the bar for you" he swung the shovel over his shoulder and walked away. He drove back to the bar and began drinking mug after mug of beer until he passed out and fell asleep. Meanwhile at the cemetery a hand came up through the earth and clenched into a fist, Moe quickly had begun digging himself out of the hole as soon as Homer started drinking, his clothes were dirty, his hair was mud caked.

"Why does this always happen to me?" he asked himself, as he was walking out he passed a desperate looking guy carrying a small bundle in his arms.

"Is this the way to the Sematary?" he asked, looking around, fearfully.

"Yeah it's over there" Moe said, the man nodded and walked on.

"Gonna bring you back Gage" he mumbled to the bundle.

"Freak" Moe said and continued on. He was walking down the street when a police car pulled up.

"You okay there?" Chief Wiggum asked, looking at Moe suspiciously.

"Yeah I'm fine just finished digging myself out of a grave" Moe replied, Wiggum's eyes widened in horror.

"Zombie!" he shouted, he slammed on the gas, making the tires squeal and peeled out, he didn't get far as he drove into a street light.

"Okay then" Moe said and continued on again.

Homer awoke at the bar and sat up, he looked around his vision blurry. Climbing to his feet he walked toward the door, it opened and Moe walked in.

"Hey Moe" he said as he walked by, he stopped and looked back, "Moe!", he screamed and jumped in his car and drove away. Moe shook his head before he walked inside to wash himself off in the bathroom sink.

Homer arrived home and slammed the door behind him and started nailing boards to the door. When he finished he looked at his work.

"Lets see zombie Moe get through that" he said, when he finished speaking the door swung out and Moe stood there.

"Hey Homer" he said before chopping through the boards with an ax, "Your gonna get it now!" he started chasing homer around the house with the ax.

"Leave me alone, kill my family instead!" he shouted and dodged an ax swing from the angry bartender.

"Stop moving and this will be painless!" Moe shouted, "Well the first whack will hurt but the rest you won't feel". Homer backed up to the counter until he couldn't move anymore, when Moe drew back and brought the ax down Homer dove to the side, making Moe hit the toaster, a jolt of electricity shot up the ax and electrocuted Moe, he was launched back through the large window in the dining room. He lied there for several minutes before he sat up and rubbed his head before looking around.

"How did I get here?" he asked himself, "Better go open the bar" he stood up and walked away, Homer watched this out the window before he made to follow. When he arrived Moe was already cleaning the bar. The TV was playing the news.

_"It's true I saw a zombie he was lurching and moaning and groaning, it was awful" Wiggum said to Kent Brockman, "He got away before I could fire a shot"._

_"This just in the mayor has ordered a state of panic, you are to remain indoors until the police have the zombie in custody" Brockman said._

"Zombies can you believe that Homer?" Moe asked.

"Yeah… zombies… what a joke" Homer said nervously.

END CHAPTER 2

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